Cancer and Margarine

This afternoon I made myself a bag of microwave popcorn, and, yes, I stood in front of the microwave with my face pressed against the glass waiting for it to be done. I’m not sure if I do this because I want to use my mind powers to make the popcorn cook faster, or I’m afraid that I’ll let it burn because I hear with my eyes (and see with my fingers, as all children do). At any rate, this may seem odd for someone who had a mild (and slightly silly) flip-out about her toothpaste causing cancer. Free-radicals, you see, are in the air, and they cause cancer in people’s lungs--something about knocking electrons out of place, or something, who cares, the point is, peroxide (or, maybe just hydrogen peroxide, I’m not sure) is a free-radical.

What does this have to do with my toothpaste? Well, you see my toothpaste is this new super-whitening kind with baking soda and PEROXIDE. So, by using this toothpaste, I have inadvertently killed myself. My dear boyfriend assures me that this is ridiculous, but I have a sinking feeling when I brush my teeth nevertheless (Haha, get it? Sink?). Actually, I’m not really that worried anymore about mouth cancer, not since I sat down and thought about it for a while. I do, however, think it is ironic that my toothpaste gave me pause, but then I still press my nose up against the glass of the microwave and wait for the ding.

Anyway, once I got my popcorn out of the waxy bag and into a bowl, I poured about four thousand tablespoons of melted margarine on top and took the whole thing upstairs. Of course, I had water instead of soda, because the water will cancel out the “bad stuff” in the popcorn and margarine. After eating about half the popcorn, I realized I was starting to get a stomach ache. Did I immediately stop consuming the salty treat? No, of course not. Two more handfuls later, I felt nauseous. This, I thought at the time, might be countered by… more popcorn.

It wasn’t. So, I set aside the offending snack, and drank the rest of my water, hoping that this would fix the problem. And although it didn’t, it was at that moment that I realized I was drinking out of a Dead Guy Ale tumbler.